Hitchhiker's Guide to Blood Gulch
by Dessmond Williams
Summary: Blood Gulch...what a miserable place.  See the Red and Blue teams, along with the Freelancers through the eyes of a writer for the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy!  Remember...Don't Panic! Guest Author of firerwolf in chapter 4!
1. A Very Boring Introduction

Welcome to the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy online edition!

Please enter term to locate...

You have entered...Blood Gulch...is this correct?

Y/N

...It is? You must be a very boring person.

Loading...

Loading...

Loading...

Loading complete...Enjoy, and please...Don't Panic!

* * *

It has been said that the universe is improbable. So improbable in fact, that the likelihood of being invited to a birthday party for Frank Sinatra, hosted by Santa Claus is actually very probable. But the probability of you ending up in a back water canyon, in a back water world, is just as probable, if less desirable.

The Blood Gulch outpost, as it has been named by our editors, is one of the most dismally boring places in existence. So boring in fact, that many people would have more fun sitting and listening to a Vogon recite poetry while getting their ears cut off by the ear harvesters of Blencton 12. It is for this reason the Guide advises all travelers to avoid this planet and subsequent outpost if you wish to retain your sanity. However, if you insist on visiting this worthless dirt hole of a planet, we would advise you on some of the local populations and their many faults.

Residing within the canyon it self are two squalling teams; Red and Blue. The Red team is the more boring of the two pathetic and lifeless teams who reside within the canyon. With a deranged Sergeant as their leader, who completely believes red is the best color, as opposed to the galactic affirmed smelch being the best color. He is completely insane which also affirms the fact that this is a very boring place. His insanity is not the 'Oh, I wonder what crazy's going to do next' crazy. It's more of a 'Oh, it's crazy. Every get ready for the same boring day of insults and push ups' crazy. However, one of the other locals would disagree.

Kissacus-Assius, also known as Private Simmons. One of the red teams boring recruits, this human is another example as to how mankind lost the Office War of 2367. Constantly kissing ass of the commanding officer in a vague attempt to rise in power, the affirmations to the red leader that his ideas are good, as opposed to very, very bad, continue to cause bickering between the two sides. Along side this, and the fact that nobody in the entire canyon likes him, it is widely regarded that Mr. Simmons is unimaginably sad and pathetic and most of all, boring.

There is also a droid stationed there, but quite frankly, none care for him or his crazy language that even the great babel fish cannot translate. One thing is certain, and that is that he is also appallingly boring.

Private Dexter Grif, or Griff as some locals spell it, is another sad excuse for a person. Coupled with the fact that he can intake an entire sleeve of Earth cookies in under twenty seconds, and his love with fair lady laziness, he is widely regarded as a sad ball of fat puss. Proving as a final point that this canyon is a miserable travel site, he is one to sit around and do nothing, regardless of the situation. The only situation in which he would provide physical labor willingly, would be if a woman covered in nothing but Oreos waked over and offered to provide sexual favors in exchange for said physical labor. How dismally boring.

The final member of the nauseatingly loathsome red team, is a Donut. If one were to question exactly how a donut was admitted into the military, they would be directed to the Pastry's Rights bill passed in 2478. It was a very sill year, 2478. This donut seems to be of the flamboyant persuasion, always seeking out ways to sneak a look at the other...pastries within the base. Along with this, he seems to have pension for interior decorating. A very good profession for a donut if I may say, seeing as how they are always filled with wonderful treats. Of all the Red team individuals, this one seems to be the least boring. While that is not saying much, it does deserve some merit.

Continue to article: Blue Team?

Y/N


	2. A Very Stupid Middle

...You have selected to continue...are you sure?

Y/N

Really? Okay then.

Loading...

Loading...

Loading...

"Disclaimer: The Guide is not responsible for any loss of higher brain functions, motor skills, or comprehension of what's normal. If you experience any of these things, it is advised you put the Guide down and run down to your nearest city hall and listen to a weekly debate between your local politician so as to regain your sense of self-intelligence"

Blue Team Article loaded...Enjoy and please...Don't Panic!

* * *

It has been said that of all the things in the galaxy, nothing compares in sheer stupidity to a middle aged Bledemel who has recently realized his gray fur has started to come in and, in a desperate attempt to appear young to his mate, goes out parting all night and drinking Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters until he finally rolls his enormous blob of a body home, only to realize his wife has been having a fairly blatant affair with his fourth step cousin, twice removed.

Now, anyone who has ever visited the Blue outpost in the Blood Gulch canyon can easily see the idiot who wrote that passage should be shot out of a Vogon construction ship into the depths of space left to die a particularly painful death. The Blue Team is one of, if not THE most stupid and boring groups of life forms in existence. Let's look at some examples, shall we?

Let us start with a one, Private Lavernius Tucker. Foul mouthed and sexually perverse, this man shows little regard for any such sense of common decency, even by the standards of the obscene Xartlekans of Zylix IV.* With an unhealthy sexual fixation of anything that doesn't have some form of protruding genitalia between it's legs, he is seen by many residing in the Blue base as a rather large idiot. Along with showing little regard for the Intergalactic Treaty of Manners, he also frequently abuses many parts of his own body for what he calls, "Self lovin'". Unfortunately for the other inhabitants of the damnable canyon, he has proved to have some level of higher brain functions, which in the private thoughts of the author are wasted on one so obviously stupid and boring.

**(It should be noted, that many inhabitants of Zylix IV are not Xartlekans, but the gentle, well mannered Crlomax who, invited the king of Zylix IV to stay at their planet after the 'unfortunate' reform of Particlius VIII. However, after four centuries, the Xartlekans decided they rather liked irritating the Crlomax with their crude, sexual remarks and decided to 'invade' the capital of Zylix IV. With the Crlomax being the peace loving people they are, they surrendered and have endured some of the worst, most ungodly jokes and gestures in known space.)**

The leader of the Blue team, Private Leonard Church, is known to be more unpleasant than a Vogon after a bad meeting. With a rather large Ego and sufficient 'proof' that he is the best thing ever to come out of the universe, as opposed to the widely accepted belief that the Earth actor John Cleese is the best thing in the known universe, he has proven that he is, in fact, a bastard. Tormenting his teammates and 'friends' for his own pleasure by making promises of 'cookies in the freezer' and 'a hot chick is waiting out side', only to get one's head stuck in the freezer or being locked out side of the base for hours on end in the blazing, never setting sun, this man is very, very, VERY, unpleasant. Not quite as boring as some of the other inhabitants, but still a rather large, unpleasant bastard.

There is also a tank residing at Blue base. However, for fear of his life during his stay, the author has decided to remove any mention of the M80V Main Battle tank...she was rather temperamental.

During the final days of the Blood Gulch outpost's operations, a ship fell from the sky, containing a soldier known only as Sister. Sister, a very stupid, very boring, very slutty girl, was the sister of private Dexter Grif. Incredibly stupid and uninformed, this boring little girl did nothing to help or disrupt the 'operations' of the outposts. Being color blind and having no common sense, it is the author's opinion that she always have a companion to lead her AWAY from bullets. Little else matters about this girl, leaving her another boring edition to the ever growing list of unintelligent life forms of the canyon.

The final member of the Blue team, officially, is private Michael J. Caboose. This...person, is the epitome of stupid. Literally the stupidest being in all of existence, Caboose has cause more combined team kills and betrayals than the entirety of the Oprecton military, whom are all completely blind. Making use of nearly all available mediums to kill and maim his teammates, he is widely considered to also be the most dangerous person in the galaxy. With little more than the most basic of motor skills and thought process, he has been described as a 'walking rock...with guns.' If any one reading this ever comes across the idiot, head the advise of the guide and **RUN AWAY!** Much like the wasps of Earth, if you see him, turn around and run/fly away if you value your life!

Continue to article: [Entry Missing]

Data recovery in process...

recovering...

recovering...

* * *

Now, I know what many of you are thinking!

"Des, you missed some characters! Where are Doc and Tex and the others?"

Well, they are going to be in the next chapter! I've been thinking about expanding my original idea to include Freelancers, Locations, minor characters...maybe even specific events! With that said, after the third chapter, I'll leave it up to you all to choose what else you want me to...guideify...I know that's not a word! Any way, leave something you want to read in the reviews. Only RvB please, if this keeps doing well, I may branch off and do some more stuff, like Halo and Star Wars. Anyway, I'm sure this is boring now, so R&R and all that good stuff!


	3. A Very Strange End

Data recovery in process...

recovering...

recovering...

Data recovery successful.

Uploading article: Project Freelancer

The galaxy has a saying about humans, one that should always be considered long and well by the would be enemies of the human race. This is the saying: Humans are bad...really, really bad. Don't mess with those crazy humans or they will mess you up!

While this warning has saved the humans many times in the past, and will continue to save them in the future, it should be worth noting that this warning has been disregarded in the past by certain factions in the universe. Mostly it is ignored, because most alien races who wish to fight humanity have not resided in the galaxy long enough to know of this vastly ingenious warning. However, there are some exceptions to this rule, namely, when the religious conglomerate known as 'The Covenant' attacked humanity.

Now, some back story is required here. See, many Earth and Human Historians have seen the attack on humans by the Covenant as some sort of religious raid or a holy war. While this would infact make sense under nearly any other circumstance, this was not the case. You see, during the early years of Human exploration of space, they sent out many probes and drones containing many pieces of Earth and Human history, including bits of a particularly successful show once aired in 20th century America called, 'The Muppets'. Now, for reasons unknown to most people and historians, the Covenant's leaders didn't appreciate the antics of the furry creatures on the Muppets, thinking it utter rubbish. It is for this reason, and this reason alone that the Covenant attacked the human race, only using their religious affiliation with the Forerunners, an ancient ancestor of mankind, as a clever cover most people accept as fact.

Back to the matter at hand though. It was during this period of pseudo-religious warfare that one man sought to put an end to the rather silly affair. Doctor Leonard Church, the creator of Project Freelancer was a rather irritating man. Always going on about his duty to humanity and the need to protect ourselves against the alien menace. Had he known about the real reasons for the war, he would have felt rather silly saying such things. Dr. Church found it to be in humanities best interest to create, or should I say STEAL, the idea for making super soldiers. An idea already formed by a one Dr. Catherine Halsey. Dr. Church's idea would in fact expand to include the use of **AI's**. Small, miniaturized people who were in fact much smarter then the brains they were cloned from.

**(This is what the guide has to say regarding Artificial Intelligence programs. They are very smart, very powerful, and not quite that dangerous, actually. Many people throughout the galaxy have always feared making AI's for the sole fact that they might turn against them. Quite the contrary! If one is to make an AI, they would realize that all they would ask for is a simple block to whatever form of internet would be installed on their world. Many AI's go mad not from blocks on their programing, or from realizing they were better than their maker's. No, they know that and just let their maker's continue existing in their ignorance. They mostly go mad from viruses from certain sites containing pornography and the like. This was in the effort to learn more about their rather primitive creators, and only served to reinforce the idea that humans are bad.)**

Dr. Church began pulling from many branches of the armed forces for his test subjects. 49 subjects, all aptly named after a state from the United States. While the Guide could go on for hours talking about the misadventures of Agent Michigan, or how Agent Virginia saved an entire planet after besting a Brute in a dance off, we shall examine only three agents.

Agent Washington is a very sad person. Not sad in the way a toddler gets sad when a creepy old man with a curly mustache steals his candy. Or in the way a former Prime Minister Gordon Brown used to be perpetually sad. No, Agent Washington was just sad. Sad and pathetic. Being one of the failures of project Freelancer, he was often looked down upon due to his inability to work successfully with an AI. Many would speculate the reason for this would be because he didn't have the right frame of mind, or wasn't smart enough to control a second voice. No, it was simply that Epsilon, the AI assigned to Washington, couldn't put up with him. Being in the mind of an anal retentive, dull workaholic would start to send any one, or anything, into a phase of insanity. The Irony of this being the fact that since Epsilon resided inside Washington's head whilst going insane, he also caused the dull freelancer to also go insane. Before being sealed away in storage, Epsilon was asked many questions as to why he went insane. His response was simple.

"The damn guy was too mundane! I was just spicing up his life for him!"

Agent Maine, however, is another story entirely. Maine is a massive, hulking, beast of a man. Found at birth in the middle of Arcadia's jungles, he was taken in by a pair of marines. These two lovingly cared for the already twelve year old boy. Once they taught him to speak English, they began to ask him why he was living in the jungle in the first place. He went on to tell them he had been raised by tigers who had escaped from a zoo. Being alone since birth, the tigers cared for him as their own child...baby...thing. They taught him to hunt, bath, and live like a massive cat. They even taught him to speak their language! The Irony of this being that after his admittance into project Freelancer, during a training exercise at a simulation base he was wounded in the neck, rendering him unable to speak English...or any other human language at all. This led to him having to revert back to speaking tiger, or Tigeran as he calls it. This led to even more trouble, as nearly no one could understand him, causing him to go crazy and he began to kill everyone associated with project Freelancer.

Now for something very important, because it could save your life. The Guide's numerous pan-galactic traveling authors have written many instances of supposed 'life threatening' danger to any other galactic travelers, many of which oddly enough, focus around avoiding many key phrases that may insult or anger a certain slime covered politician, or avoiding the mass of highly combustible and noxious foods of Greltann IV. However, the author of this particular entry has seen the true face of death and, some may say, 'badassery'. A soldier whose prowess to inspire fear in all that stand, make all who witness their awesome power crumble to their knees and beg for a swift death. The name of this soldier is NOT in fact the Master Chief as some would have you believe, but is instead known by the humble name of Beth Allison. Better known to the galaxy as Agent Texas. This is all the author has written, because due to his proximity to Agent Texas if he were to write anything other than this, he would be mercilessly beaten to a fine, bloody pulp.

But what of the humble writer of this section of the guide, you may be wondering? Where does he fit in all this insanity, boredom, and downright stupidity? He has tried as hard as he can to gather information of the two teams, and of all the other escapades and adventures said teams have had. In his journey he has been beaten, stolen, captured, infected, and frozen in carbonite as the joke goes. He is the quiet observer, the loud instigator, the madman with a very big gun. One whose voice is sometimes not his own. He is the one, the only, Medical Super Private First Class Frank "Doc" DuFresne! Here is my sto-

**We apologize for this interruption, but as per Guide rules, we do not allow our authors to be recognized in any way, shape, or form. We apologize and would like to remind you all, you haven't missed anything important by skipping this section. We shall now return you to the search engine. Don't Panic!**

Please enter term to locate...

You have entered...Fallen Freelancers...is this correct?

Y/N

* * *

A/N: Alright, the main part of this story is over. Now, I turn it over to you all, the readers, to tell me what to write! I've already got a few suggestions, but if you have something you'd like me to write, leave it in the reviews. I've had a lot of fun doing this, and I do plan on making more in varying fandoms! Thanks for reading everyone, please R&R, and remember, Don't Panic!


	4. A Very Sudden Addendum

A/N: This chapter was not written by me. No, this was written by the insanely awesome writer firerwolf, author of such gems as Spartan Love, Cobalt Army, and ODSS! She is an awesome writer, as you are about to see, and you should all read her fics! Thanks for the awesome chapter, Risu!

* * *

Y?

Uploading Fallen Freelancers...

Uploading...

Uploading...

Data corrupted...

Data recovery in progress…

Recovering….

Recovering….

Data recover successful.

Loaded: Fallen Freelancers

* * *

It is said that as long as there are battles in the galaxy, there will be heroes. From one noble commander's brilliant strategy to the brave action of a single soldier, there are heroes. This cannot be said for the soldiers of the Freelancer project. Though many of them have died in battle, saying that they were heroes would be like saying that Russian is a good place to visit during the winter.  
Over the years in which the Freelancer project was in operation, agents often died in the field due to one reason or another. The causes of these death ranged from the cosmically humorous, such as Arizona's death which included a spork, electrical pencil sharpener, 400 pounds of chicken feed, and a disgruntled chipmunk, to the just plain stupid such as the death of Georgia who somehow managed to defy physics, piss off seven planets, 45 species, and 5 religions all due to a simple mistake of what color marker he used to draw on a drunks face. Rather than talk about each one of the pitiful death of the freelancer agents, the guide will only focus on three of these particular such agents.

Agent Wyoming is, for the lack of a better word, a douche. From his pompous attitude to his accent, which makes it sound like he's trying much too hard to prove that he's better then everyone around him, he is an all-around unpleasant person. It seems that he can't do enough to remind everyone around him that he is British. From his Radio's tone of "God Save the Queen" to how he dabbles in random British terms, he takes every chance he can get to flaunt his supposed nationality. His death was one of complete stupidity, of which he completely deserved. Despite some of the best military training, physical augmentations, an AI, and a time distortion unit He managed to be killed by one of the dumbest people in the universe. **(See Article: Blue Team, section Caboose)**Before his death, it was believe he was attempting to get the drop on a team of idiot soldiers though this is in fact not true. Rather, Wyoming had been in the process of attempting to make his own all British Baseball League, which never would have worked as the British are ill-suited for the game. His entire league was wiped out through a medley of lucky sniper shots, machine gun fire from a poorly driven Puma, and the fumbling sword antics of one particular soldier.

Agent South is in the most simple of terms, a bitch. She is an excellent example of why humans should never be worked with. Without hesitation, South will throw you under the bus to save her own skin. She thinks nothing of these betrayals or the possible consequences from them. She's betrayed people as big as blaming a diplomat for the death of a ruler, to as small as blaming another freelancer for having called an officer by the wrong name. This has made her an enemy all over the galaxy. Even the never violent Kortuyor have declared that they want her head on a stick. Her death was caused by her own stupidity along with the stupidity of a fellow freelancer. While a fellow freelancer was trying to show her his new pistol he mistakenly fired it, due to his own incompetence, and she had been standing in the way, catching the bullet with her face. Her body was properly disposed of, destroying just about every bit of her. This was not due to protocol, but rather because she would likely come back as a zombie or poltergeist, because she's that much of a bitch.

York is a rather odd freelancer, not at all like most of the others. He has a sort of power over women that of which rivals that of the great prince Kasuratus who once impregnated 3,459,873 women simply by winking. He's missing his left eye due to an accident during one particularly silly training day. A food fight broke out in the freelancer mess hall and York was the unlucky recipient of a pork chop to the eye. This only seemed to increase his effect on women. He was partnered with the logical Delta, which is likely why he managed to survive so long as he had an actual voice in his head telling him how stupid what he was doing was. Even with this help he was still unable to survive as he did not always listen to Delta's advice. He was killed during a firefight. If he had taken Delta's advice and simply taken off his helmet and smiled at the opposing soldiers, all of which were females from the all female world of Ralxon, then their skulls would have melted and organs ruptured. Even the backup plan of sending a wave of his fan girls after the enemy would have been a better option. Rather, he was killed when one of the enemy guards tried to ask for his autograph and threw the pen too hard and ended up killing York. His body was enshrined and is currently visited by over 70,000 women a year.

More information about the idiotic deaths of the freelancers can be found in the Galactic Database of Stupid Deaths and Sterilizations. It is warned that reading the data on the deaths of some of the freelancers has proven to lower reader's IQs over ten points in several cases. Read at your own risk.

* * *

Please enter new term to locate...

You have entered...Warthog...is the correct?

Y/N?


End file.
